Cutting the Apron Strings
When I first moved to Thailand my youngest son was living here. He had fallen in love with the country and invited me to come over when my husband passed away. Seemed like a good idea, a chance to head in a new direction now that my life had dramatically change with the loss of my best friend and husband.
My son and I shared time here together for around 5 years, then he decided to take his wife and daughter back to the US.
My decision to stay was based on many things.
The years of living here has brought me a deep sense of security and comfort.
When I was a child my grandmother Elizabeth lived all alone (well, that is to say in-between her 8 husbands). She lived in Los Angeles, her place was right next to the freeway. I wondered how she could live by herself, to me that seemed really scary. I was terrified of ending up like her, alone and in my eyes vulnerable.
I have always lived with other people, whether it was siblings, parents, grandparents, children, husbands, friends, there has always been someone there. Until Thailand.
I laugh now at how much fear I grew up with of being alone. Not fear of actually being alone, that didn’t bother me. In this crazy world we live in I was always afraid of crime. I did not want to experience that kind of drama in my life.
I still feel that way about America, I think I would be uncomfortable living alone. I think the situation in the US is worse than when I lived there, so much hatred and violence and dividedness.
In Thailand my sense of security and safety provide a great comfort to me. I have no fears of living alone. In fact, I am having the time of my life!
The hardest part of my decision to stay was cutting the apron strings. My children have all managed to cut their apron strings and are all living productive, happy lives. It is my apron strings attached to them that I struggled with.
Part of the basis of my decision to stay is that I can financially afford to live here. Living on a fixed income in the US it would not be possible for me to be on own, even if I was brave enough to try it.
Having independence is a real priority in my life. It seems I have always scraped by in life, often having to ask for help one way or another. In Thailand I can live my life exactly how I want to be living, without needing to lean on anyone. Feels Good.
I worried a lot at first that my kids would feel that I abandoned them, I am too far away to participate in their lives, whether for holidays, or birthdays, or graduations, or other milestones they reach in their lives. I won’t be there.
When I really think about it though, I do celebrate with them, they share what is going on in their lives with me, both the good and some of the bad (I know they conspire to keep the really bad things from me). Thank goodness for Skype, such a great way to communicate.
But then there are the grandkids. I was around when my oldest grandchildren were growing up, but not there with my new youngest ones.
Since I am not there to share with them, this site is dedicated to my grandchildren, and great grandchildren who I know I will never meet.
Growing up in a very splintered family I always craved knowing more about our family history.
I want to share who I am with them, and insights into all the people who we call “Our Family”.
A history of my family, from my perspective, of course.